Showing posts tagged with: weekend counselling
Our latest article has been published in the Chiswick Herald click here or read below:
Make sure depression does not destroy your relationship
In my work with couples it often comes to light, that at some point in the past, one of the couple has struggled with depression. Through therapy couples often come to realise that the way they responded at the time harmed their relationship. In this article I explain what often happens and what to do.
Depression often occurs after something has happened in a person's life that has been difficult to cope with. The struggle can be very tiring, resulting in low confidence and a circle of behaviour that only serves to lead to more unhappiness.
It can have a terrible impact on how someone experiences their life on a day to day basis, symptoms often include a felt sense of low desire to undertake daily activities including work, socialising, exercise etc. It can have a debilitating effect and often be a very confusing experience for the sufferer and their friends and relatives. It can also have a significant impact upon partners and can often lead to the breakdown of relationships.
So what goes wrong? In our relationships we generally expect that partners support each other during difficult times and illness. So far so good! However the difficulty tends to come from failing to support partners in a way that recognises the needs of a healthy relationship.
All too often, the person struggling will most likely be experienced by their partner as withdrawing and this creates a dilemma. On the one hand the partner will be upset to see the person they care about struggling and want to help them, whilst at the same time they are also likely to be struggling themselves with negative feelings about how the relationship with their partner has changed.
To be upset ourselves when our partners are struggling can be difficult as judging thoughts can come to mind like indulgent, selfish, uncaring. We prefer to think that when things go wrong for someone we care about we will drop everything and put the other person first and that they will do the same for us. Whilst this expresses just how important our partners are for us it introduces a mindset that leads to thinking about “them and me” and not about “us”. So at a time when we both most need our relationship to be working well we tend to put it on hold, relegate it, not give it priority.
Quite simply if you are affected by the fact your partner is struggling then you need to look at it as information telling you that your relationship is struggling. If someone is unhappy in a relationship then it is an unhappy relationship and no matter how tempting it is to try and hide this fact from a partner who is struggling, ultimately that partner will not thank you for this further down the line.
So what is it that happens that causes the relationship harm? Usually the partner not struggling puts their needs to one side, they might miss their “old partner”, but they give them space, or their sex life but don’t want to impose, or being able to talk about their own problems. Unfortunately the denial of needs tends to have a habit of impacting upon us in ways we do not expect.
Of course the struggling partner will be finding it hard to carry on as though nothing is happening but if that partner also loses the benefit to their sense of self that comes from being able to make their partner happy, then thats just another thing to add to their probably ever increasing list of failures. They might not even realise this so it is up to the supporting partner to remind them!
Unfortunately patterns get put in place whereby the supporting partner also withdraws and changes their behaviour with the result the way the relationship works is changed to such an extent that a time comes when neither recognise it any more. The relationship can be experienced as lifeless, dead, lonely.
Couples can often avoid this for years, particularly if they have children, busy jobs, other interests etc but ultimately they become to realise that their relationship is no longer there for them.
Main points -
- Think about your relationship - it is not helpful to think just about your partner and yourself separately.
- Take a step back and think together about what you can do so that you can both feel as though you remain committed to each other
- Even if your relationship is in a good place at the moment talk about this now - if trouble comes along you will have an agreed strategy in place and this will make it much easier to have the conversations that will help.
- If you or your partner is depressed share this article with them and think about seeking couples / relationship / marriage counselling.
Posted by: Nicholas Rose on September 28th, 2017 @ 2:22 PM
Tagged with: anxiety chiswick herald counselling couples counselling couples+counselling london depression family therapy Gay Counselling london psychotherapist marriage guidance psychotherapy relationship therapy relationship+counselling relationships+counseling weekend counselling west london counselling west london psychotherapist
Our latest article has been published in the Chiswick herald can be found here. Or please read below:
Posted by: Nicholas Rose on May 24th, 2017 @ 9:27 PM
Tagged with: anxiety cbt chiswick herald cognitive behaviour therapy counselling couples counselling couples+counselling london depression existential analysis extistential therapy family therapy Gay Counselling london psychotherapist mindfulness psychology psychotherapy relationship therapy relationship+counselling relationships+counseling weekend counselling west london counselling west london psychotherapist
Our latest article has been published in the Chiswick Herald, read it here or see below:
How does that make you feel?
Posted by: Nicholas Rose on May 12nd, 2017 @ 2:36 PM
Tagged with: anger management anxiety chiswick herald Chronic fatigue syndrome counselling couples counselling depression existential analysis extistential therapy london psychotherapist psychologist psychology psychotherapy relationship therapy relationship+counselling relationships+counseling weekend counselling west london counselling west london psychotherapist
Posted by: Nicholas Rose on November 23rd, 2016 @ 8:15 PM
Tagged with: anger management anxiety Child Psychotherapist chiswick herald counselling couples counselling couples+counselling london depression family therapy london psychotherapist marriage guidance psychologist psychology psychotherapy relationship therapy relationship+counselling relationships+counseling weekend counselling west london counselling west london psychotherapist
Our latest article has been published in the Chiswick Herald, click here to visit the site or read below:
- Boring as it might be do the research and read up on what best practice is for protecting yourself online.
- Think about your strengths and weaknesses in life - finances, relationships, health, parenting and then think about the benefits social media and technology can offer but also identify areas where you might be more vulnerable.
- Think about the experience of communicating and engaging with information and people and how this varies across situations and media.
- So what is it like for you to be with family, friends, colleagues in face to face situations - how does it vary and why?
- What is your preferred way of communicating in different situations and with different people and why? Face to face, telephone, text, facetime/skype, email, social media….
- So with whom and in what situations do you feel most at ease and in which do you feel least at ease?
- Can you now identify the people and situations in which you may struggle to communicate and those where you will find it easiest?
- In what way is this material / content / communication triggering these feelings - what assumptions am I making and what are the other possibilities?
- What do I want to do or say now and what might the consequences be?
- If I put myself in the other persons place how might they interpret what I do or say right now and what might result?
- What am I wanting from this situation and what if I don’t get what I want?
- Am I feeling under any pressure here and what is the source of this?
- Thinking about past situations are any similar - do I have a pattern of behaviour that can be unhelpful and is this an opportunity to change it?
Posted by: Nicholas Rose on October 26th, 2016 @ 5:40 PM
Tagged with: anxiety chiswick herald cognitive behaviour therapy counselling couples counselling depression existential analysis extistential therapy family therapy Gay Counselling london psychotherapist marriage guidance psychology psychotherapy relationship therapy relationship+counselling relationships+counseling weekend counselling west london counselling west london psychotherapist
Our latest article is published in the Chiswick Herald, please read below or click here.
On The Couch: Is Your Relationship In The Best Of Health?
“In relationships, believing that we understand our partners and that they understand us is the single biggest cause of trouble” says Chiswick based Couples Psychotherapist and Counsellor Nicholas Rose. In this article Nicholas explains how to keep your relationship in the best of health.
Understanding between partners’ comes from a desire for both security and vitally, safety – often closely associated with the idea of loving or being loved. If we feel understood, we are more likely to trust in our partner. Ultimately partners are the people most likely to be relied upon in an emergency and in emergencies nothing is more important than clear communication – it is nothing less than a need born out of a need for survival.
Potentially it all starts from birth – if understanding does not exist between us and our primary carers then we risk death – therefore the first thing a baby does is learn how to communicate with its primary care givers. How this is done depends upon what is learnt in the attempt to gain attention – is it more effective to be noisy or quiet, happy or sad, laugh or cry, well or sick, tidy or messy, dependent or independent, creative or practical - the list is endless. Therefore what we learn in the early days is the closest we come to have an approach to life and relationships that is “hardwired”. Simply put, we are good at doing or being in ways for which we have felt understood.
The implication is we need to challenge our assumption we understand and are understood around the most basic of concepts. For example, love. How love is expressed varies enormously across cultures, communities and families. Just ask your friends how love was shown to them as children and you are likely to get a wide variety of responses from food, fun, talking, not talking, sharing, giving, taking, education, discipline, fairness, holidays the list is endless.
Another prime example is how people are looked after when sick. In some cultures it is common for everyone to visit sick friends and relatives, in others the patient is cared for by being protected from visitors. Neither is right or wrong but someone who is used to visitors when sick will feel neglected and uncared for if their partner tells everyone to keep away as they need rest!
As adults we acquire the ability to enter into relationships on equal terms. Fundamentally a shared language and status provides us with all we need to build and maintain healthy relationships and understanding. It sounds basic and the principle is, however the skills are something to be learnt and developed. Here are some basic rules:
1 Words like “love” are short cuts – use them at your peril. Instead never assume that the word means the same to you and your partner.
2 It requires commitment from both parties to develop an understanding. (At the extreme, the presence of physical or emotional abuse in a relationship suggests that the commitment does not exist).
3 If you feel hurt by something that your partner does or says then (as long as it is not physically or emotionally abusive) it is likely that your defences and theirs are revealing a conflict of understanding. Do not assume that the intention was to hurt you, instead say how you felt and ask if that was what had been intended. Remember relationships often breakdown due to the conversations that have not been had rather than those that have.
4 Never underestimate the possible impact of change, difficult times and stress. Anything that changes your routines or patterns can bring stress that triggers defences – at difficult times in life you might find it difficult to recognise each other. Look out for bereavements, fertility issues, children arriving and leaving, career changes, health challenges and traumatic events.
Posted by: Nicholas Rose on October 1st, 2016 @ 10:12 AM
Tagged with: chiswick herald counselling couples counselling couples+counselling london extistential therapy london psychotherapist psychotherapy psychotherapy jobs relationship therapy relationship+counselling relationships+counseling weekend counselling west london counselling west london psychotherapist